Survivor's Blog April 28, 2013- How I chose to deal with my diagnosis and why...

It is almost 1 Am and I am still awake due to some lingering pain from chemo. Since I cannot sleep, and it has been a really tough week, I wanted to talk a bit about how I navigated my way to survivor . It is a long story but, I will relate here how I chose to deal with my diagnosis and why. I am certainly not implying that you have to follow my lead. I am just pointing out that it is your responsibility as a patient to decide how you are going to react to this diagnosis. Deciding how you will deal with Cancer keeps you from becoming a Cancer Victim, and allows you to become master of your own destiny.

I always say I came into the cancer game backwards, as I have most things in life. I never went to the doctor and had them say something like " Oh you have a lump.. lets send you off to find out what that is ? "  Only to find out later after some testing, that the lump they found was cancer. Instead, I was the patient that just kept getting sicker and sicker, and every time I went to the Doctor I was handed a different diagnosis and treatment. Every treatment I tried seemed to have the net result of making me sicker! I know my primary care Doctor,  Sean Fuller, believed I was sick. Despite his efforts to get me into the hands of a specialist who could figure out what the problem was.. no one ever figured out that I had cancer.

So in June of 2011, I landed in the emergency room with pain so strong I screamed for what seemed like the whole drive to the ER. When my husband finally got me in the building I barely got through the check in process. I spent the few minutes before they actually could see me in the restroom getting sick. During the check in process  they took a quick blood test and before I even got in to see the doctor they were taking my illness very seriously. Before I knew it the ER doctor was in front of me telling me that I was headed for a chest Xray because my blood work looked like was having a pulmonary embolism. Fortunately I did not have an embolism but, when the doctor looked at that simple Xray and surveyed the very bottom portion of it he could see a tumor. About 30 minutes after arriving at the ER the doctor came in and told me I had cancer.

I was immediately admitted to Lexington Hospital. Since they had no beds in Oncology, I ended up in the geriatrics ward. By the time I woke up in the morning - I had 3 oncologists assigned to me plus a bunch of residents monitoring me as well. Even though they could not tell me what kind of cancer I had, I knew it was deadly serious. I have always been a  realist. Who gets 3 oncologists???

I realized as soon as I woke up that first morning, that I had to decide how the heck I was going to navigate all of this? I  instinctively knew that how I chose to deal with this diagnosis and hospital  stay was going to impact the rest of my life. I decided then and there that I was going to be as positive as possible. The decision to be as cheerful as I could muster through this whole thing is partly due to my basically optimistic personality. The other half of  my decision actually came from the patient in the next room- who I could hear giving the nurses a really hard time every time they had contact with him. I would then see them come in my room with grim faces and dejected attitudes. I determined right there if I was not cheerful, I would fake it until I was cheerful... if for no other reason than to have the nurses take the very best care of me that they could. Oddly enough I found that " fake it until you make it" actually really worked. The more I tried to stay as positive as I could, the better I felt. the better I felt emotionally, the more sure I was that I would survive and thrive regardless of what the doctors told me.

I have had a very close family member tell me they thought I was in denial during my first bout with cancer. I can understand exactly why they thought I was in denial. Who in their right mind is cheerful and positive when they are given a Stage 4 cancer diagnosis? I can tell you I was cheerful and it was real. This does not mean that I loved being hooked to an IV pole and treated with chemo. Oddly enough,  as treatment progressed something strange happened.. I became really happy. And this really happy feeling was the happiest and most content I had ever been in my life.

You may wonder how the heck happiness is possible in the midst of sickness and chaos? I will tell you that a devastating illness stops your daily life completely and gives you time to think. Cancer also distills your life down to the simple things that matter: family, friends, home,  and faith. I will tell you that prior to my illness I was always very insecure about where I stood in life. I compared my life to others and I never measured up in my own eyes. I was very self absorbed and constantly striving and pushing my way through life. Cancer slowed me down. During those few weeks in the hospital, it immediately became apparent to me that I was deeply loved and valued by my family, my friends, and even my co workers. I was lucky enough to have people in my life who would go to the wall for me if need be. For the first time in my life, I was absolutely secure about my place in the world. Cancer stripped away the need to compare myself to others. I no longer find myself lacking! Through all this the Cancer and the revelations it brought with it allowed me to be truly joyful for the first time in my life.

So despite this new diagnosis of more cancer, I am still a pretty happy person.  Cancer may not be fun, but it is my path. I must walk down that path with as much assurance and grace as I can muster. After all, my greatest goal since this started has become the desire to help those women whose footsteps  follow mine down the cancer path.  So next week if you see me smiling and joking while I am in chemo, be assured the smile is not just due to all the great pain drugs!!!!

Chemo January 2012