Survivor's Blog September 28, 2013- On Happiness....

A life threatening cancer diagnosis causes strange things to  happen. In my case, I have had so many people help me and my family, that it is hard to know where to start thanking people. If I had to write Thank You's to everyone it would probably take me a week to do. Before cancer, I was never sure where I fit in? I felt like I was always on the outside of life looking in. I was  always striving for more and never fully happy. Of course, some of that is my California upbringing. We silicon valley kids are taught to keep striving for bigger, better , and more in life regardless of where we are in life. Sometime in July 2011 during my hospital stays.. I discovered that I was truly loved. Not only was I truly loved but, my family was valued and loved deeply as well. This discovery changed my whole being.

More people than I can even list or mention, went out of their way to help us in both small and large ways. People we were only remotely connected to, stepped up and helped us in surprising ways. All of this help and support manifested in my life and caused a profound change in my life and way of being in the world.

For the first time in my life, I was truly happy! I know how crazy that sounds.. how can a person be happy, content, and even joyful with a stage 4 cancer diagnosis hanging over their head? I cannot explain fully, how the change in my emotional life came about, only that it did. I do know a small part of the positive change did come from finally knowing for sure what was wrong with my physical body. I had been really, really, sick for over 10 years  with no real diagnosis. The relief that comes from knowing what was wrong and receiving the proper treatment for it was nothing short of a miracle! I think that the rest of the emotional change came from finally knowing what my place was in the world. The change did not stem from people doing things for me or helping us out. It stemmed from finally being able to see clearly where I fit in. Oddly, Cancer gave me permission to jettison all the silly stuff and just get down to the core of who I am and what I want. Cancer allowed me to finally be myself... appearances be dammed.

So if you see me out and about, be reassured that I am happy as I have ever been. I am grateful for my friends, family, and lifestyle. I am not unhappy about my cancer, so there is no need for worrying.. life is sooo good.