OK, so one thing I have discovered. Cancer turns you into a narcissist out of necessity. You cannot concentrate on anything but CANCER when you are in treatment. Your life belongs completely to the doctors scheduling your every daily move ( on their time I might add). In some situations, I feel like I should change my name to CANCER.
No longer can I walk in a room and have a normal conversation that does not involve cancer. The first question anyone asks is how are you.. are you OK? You cannot get around it! And I will admit I prefer that question to the folks who just melt away. I appreciate that even after two years of this cancer stuff, people care enough to check on me. I myself am tired to the bone of this cancer stuff. I bore myself with all the stuff I am going through, I would rather be dancing, riding, reading, or teaching ..pretty much doing anything but relying on cancer treatment weekly! I am just praying for the day I don't have to be in treatment!
On the flip side, there are some folks who just cannot handle looking Cancer patients in the face. Unfortunately, some of these folks were very close friends prior to my diagnosis. I am not sure if they just think cancer is a death sentence or they just hate dealing with someone who's only interest on a daily basis is fighting to stay alive.
Every cancer patient has also run into a friend, or Doctor who looks at you like the Grim Reaper is visible and sitting on your right shoulder. You can never imagine what that "look" actually means until you are faced with it. I swear they should give Doctors a class in bed side manner... lesson one never look at your patient like they have one foot in the grave!!! That look is very scary if you are a patient. I still remember being transported in an ambulance to the ER , and having the "well meaning" EMS tell me that his cousin had just been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer( like I had) 6 weeks ago and " by the way he just died last week! This kind of weird, bad stuff happens fairly regularly.
In conclusion, please excuse me if I am not focused on the things you are used to enjoying with me. I apologize if I am not calling, texting, or emailing with the frequency I did prior to my illness. I promise, I am getting well as fast as I can and things will go back to normal!!!!
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